Single 20 Something Mommy

One day at a time

2012-01-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

I really do need to follow that saying. I can't keep letting everything get to me and bring me down. Enough is enough and I need to be happy. I need to learn to let things happen as they will, and try not to interfere or make sure things happen a certain way.. because a whole lot is truly not in my control. I just want the wedding to happen without any problems, and I want this house to be done already. Oh and I just want my online classes to be a breeze.

Woosah.

Placement

2012-01-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm in such a better place than days, weeks, and months prior. Things will come and happen as they should and I need to step back more. Of course I'm still going to get frustrated but I need to focus on everything else around me. Four months from today.. from the moment I'm writing this, I will be married to Jeff. It's so surreal. I never thought I would be this completely lucky, this completely happy, this complete and this much in love. I can, but also can't wait to live with him! I obviously have never done the "right" thing so living together has been a long time coming. I mean, my God.. by this summer we'll have been together for three years. I can't believe THAT. They have FLOWN by. We have had such great times together, made the most amazing memories, and we're only just getting started. There's something kind of weird though.. like, I feel like we still don't fully know eachother.. which, we don't.. because we haven't lived together. I know that will change everything, but I honestly am so excited and I think it will be such a good changed for us. I feel like these next few months are going to take f o r e v e r to go by. .but, I'm such once May arrives, I will be amazing at how fast it all went by. I'm just ready to start this next, wonderful chapter of my life. I'm going to be selfish and say that I 100% deserve it all. This is the life I've wanted. This is the relationship I've always dreamed of. The marriage I've always wanted. I have a job that I love and am overly content with, and cannot wait to continue to climb the ladder where I'm at. I'm so close, so so close to finishing my Bachelor's degree. We're building a dream house. I couldn't be luckier. I couldn't be more blessed.

Life IS good. God IS good.

Anger

2012-01-06T19:35:00.000-08:00

I carry it around every day. There's just an anger and hatred that's just there. Lingering. All the time. I don't know how to get rid of it. Most days are good, so it's not like I'm this awfully miserable person. I don't show it that often, as I think I'm just numb to the feeling being there .. but also because "lashing out" doesn't get one anywhere anyway. I know what caused it. The years of what I'd like to say were just complete emotional abuse. It would be easier if I could just close that door. God obviously wanted me to have Logan, but with that comes leaving that 'door' open with his father. The door which I want closed, locked, bolted, and nailed shut forever. There are no actual feelings there (that's a big fucking obvious) .. well, none other than just hate. And I'm honestly overly annoyed anytime I'm forced to be in his presence or have to even speak to him. He is a waste of space and a waste of life. I know these are terrible things to say, but there were so many moments years ago that I wish someone truly was watching every single minute of every day so that SOMEONE was witnessing everything. I wish that someone was here to talk with me about it all, to comfort me.. to get me to just drop it, forget it and just carry on as if nothing happened. How do you explain complete and utter lonliness to someone? Disrespect? Cheating? Lies? to your face. Betrayal? Did I say complete lack of respect or care for a woman? Yeah.

What's that phrase.. if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it? Or something like that.. I'm sure still being carried and dragged through it will eventually get me where I should be at this point. I just wish the person by my side was actually by my side.

No phone

2011-06-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

We had such a great time last week. A little bit of a bump one night but .. I was over it quickly. The person I used to be would have blown up. I instead did what I have been doing for the last few years: staying quiet and to myself. That's not exactly the best way to handle something either, but it's better than angry words flying everywhere and things getting more heated than necessary. I just want someone to be there. Why the f is that so hard?? I don't want someone around 24/7 like a certain someone thinks .. but there isn't even a simple text in the morning anymore. There hasn't been one of those in a long time. Funny how little things like that without fail, always fade. And of course if there's no call or text in the morning, there definitely isn't anything throughout the day.

I watched a movie last night (well, started and then finished today when I got home from work). No Strings Attached. Natalie Portman's character throughout most of the movie is basically where I'm headed: not caring and shutting everyone out. Going about life day to day, but not getting too attached to anyone because.. why bother? You always get hurt anyway so what is the point?

So, relating to the title I put up for this entry.. I turned my phone off tonight almost 2 hours ago (it's almost 8:00 now). I already spoke with my parents, so it's not like anyone else would be expecting me to have my phone on. I texted my "sweetie" more than once today and I rave about us to so many people.. yet, here I am, alone as per usual.. haven't heard from him since one stupid text this morning in response to mine. We don't need to talk tonight. I have my Logan, and that by far is more than enough for me. I'm just tired of having the relationship status and wanting it to work and everything just staying the same. While Logan's dad has seen him less and less in the last year+ .. I have also started to see someone else less and less.. and it has nothing whatsoever to do with me having Logan more. I truly feel like just telling him some days to just leave me alone .. for a week .. a month .. few months! What difference is it going to make? He's already told me nothing can happen with us this year .. so again, everything just stays the same. I'm doing my own thing. I just got a minor promotion at work.. I'm proud to be living on my own - it might be a shit hole but at least I'm doing my own thing, and I'm raising my baby alone, and he's soo stinkin' smart. Also, how could I forget .. I'm 7 courses away from finally having my Bachelor's degree.

I'm doing fine. Alone.

Again

2011-05-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

Another night alone.

Another day where I thought we would have time. Another night where things fall behind and you'll be late. Another night where I end up saying forget it because it's not worth it. Another night where I don't bother saying that it's not worth it to me. Been there and done that, and don't need to keep repeating it. Another night where I kind of just want this to be over.

Another night, another excuse, another disappointment.

Go to hell.

2011-04-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

You really are a piece of shit and a waste of space. You don't deserve the title of daddy or father. I cringe at the thought of my sweet baby boy calling you that. You are not a father to Logan. You don't set positive examples. You don't teach him anything. You don't make any time. You don't go above and beyond or out of your way. You don't even know who he really is. The only thing you DO know how to make is excuse, after excuse, after excuse. You're also pretty good at scolding Logan for no good reason.. when you actually do make time to include him in your schedule. How did I end up with such a person? How did Logan end up with such a person for a father? Out of the five year mistake of a relationship that I was in with you, Logan is the only positive. The only thing that ever filled my heart and soul with love. The only person that loved me unconditionally. And unfortunately, he is the only reason you are still in my life. I hate myself for not stepping away when I should have. It was so obvious how little you gave a shit about me when I was pregnant with our son. I was stupid enough to have hope. Hope for what? That you wouldn't have cheated on me. twice. Hope that you would have appreciated the things I would do for you, even if it was just every now and then. Hope that I would have a normal life. Fuck all of that. You don't deserve the title of a man either. A man would have said it was over with and why rather than hide so much behind his fiance's back. A man would have stepped up and been there for his pregnant, future wife. A man would have chosen to step away from his pregnant fiance as well if it wasn't working. A man would not have gone through with getting married and treat a woman like a fool. A man would not treat me or any woman like you did. I have always been taught that what goes around comes around. I don't always see that occur with people, but I've seen enough where I still have my beliefs. You have yet to "get yours" but I still stand by what I once told you.. I hope I find a man that I can spend the rest of my life with, and a man that Logan will call 'daddy' - you though are too much of a moron to realize that Logan would call someone else 'daddy' because you're not there for him. It's only naturally bound to happen.

1 year.. gone

2011-04-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

A year goes by and it's amazing all of the things that can happen in that short span of time.. -I'm far more into debt than I was this time last year. -I have a job I'm so much happier at though. -I'm out of shitty Orlando. -I'm stuck living in a place in the middle of nowhere with a ton of trains that go by throughout the night. Can't beat the rent though, and it is a cute place. -I have much more time with my son. -I'm not doing that long ass commute anymore. -Logan's dad barely makes an effort and at this very point in time, his "schedule" with him is the least amount of time that it has ever been. With each change in his work schedule, his time with Logan becomes less and less. -The above statement is also a good thing though. Logan is better off with me more. -I have a man in my life I'm so in love with. -I just wish he'd want to move things along after almost 2 years... : ) -I'm closer to graduating with my BA in business admin! -Did I mention I'm drowning in debt? Anyway. I do have a lot more positives than negatives in my life after a year. However, the negatives are so big that they sometimes out-weigh the positives. It's still very hard to not have my family around. It would also be nice to just have a constant person here that could help me out with Logan every now and then. I'm too stubborn to ask other people (that have offered!). I must say that I feel more at home in Lakeland than I did the last year I lived in Orlando. Even though when I moved into than apartment, I had zero clue that a year later I'd be moving to Lakeland.. I still knew that apartment was just a stepping stone to wherever life was going to take me.

I'm still here

2011-01-25T18:24:00.001-08:00

I haven't gone anywhere yet. .I just stink at this whole blogging thing. I could write all of my thoughts daily, I just don't ever take the time to do so. I have so much running through my head on a daily basis, things that I don't want to even put on here. No one knows that I'm even blogging but I just don't want a lot of my thoughts in stone. I'd end up going back and deleting a lot of it. I'm not exactly still walking on sunshine. I'm definitely not in the dark place I was years ago but every day is a work in progress and every day is a stepping stone.

Other than having Logan, I still feel so alone, every day. I feel like I'm settling again and I don't want to. I want someone that wants me in their life. That will call just to say hello. That is spontaneous. That doesn't treat me as a convenience.

I'm done. I can't do this right now. Maybe continue in 6 months? Less hopefully.

Depression

2010-12-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

I think this is over-used and over-diagnosed. Suck it up and put on your big girl or big boy panties. I cry all of the time. And just about as much I'm down in the dumps about things in my life but at the end of the day .. how much of what makes you unhappy do you have control over? Not much. I'm sure with how my life has gone I could have been put on some kind of anti-depressants long ago but why? What is that going to do for me? It's not going to change anything that has happened. They are not going to kiss my thoughts and make them better. They are not going to wrap me in a huge hug and say everything will be ok. Most days are a struggle. I battle with myself every day on the choices I have made and continue to make. I have always been super stubborn when doing things - always wanting to do things on my own and look where it has gotten me.

I just want my life back. I want each day to be a little more meaningful. And I want each step to be a little easier.

Oh Facebook world

2010-11-21T03:30:00.001-08:00

Why does your Facebook relationship status cause such a definition of you and your significant other? I mean, someone should proudly show they're in a relationship right? And God forbid you put that person's name on your page, UNDER the relationship status. Why does it have to be something so private? I don't have anything to hide, and I never will. If the relationship was never anything serious, at least express that.

Grow up.

Shit or get off the pot

2010-11-14T18:09:00.000-08:00

I love that line, and I don't think I could ever get tired of it.

I think this is something a lot of people deal with when in a relationship and I also think a whole lot more women than men feel like telling their significant other that is how they feel about their situation. Lets dive in or just say goodbye. Simple as that. Call me a hopeless romantic but why do so many people wait year after year.. after year, and sometimes everything ends and then all of that time is essentially wasted (depending on how you look at it, and depending upon how things went - still in my opinion: time wasted). If you're in love with someone and are happy, comfortable and still over the moon about them (which you should be if you love them), what are you waiting for? There is no such thing as forever. We will not be here forever so what is the wait for? If anyone knows how quickly time flies, I sure do. I can look in the room next to mine and see that my baby boy is going on 28 months. A quick side note, it saddens me that it's almost pointless to use months at this point because it's over the 1 year mark.. and the 2 year mark.
Anyway, back to the relationship/marriage topic at hand. It's so tough because divorce rates are so high because our society sucks at trying. It sucks at communicating. And a great majority suck at being faithful. Have I been burned? Oh yeah. Do I still want my forever with someone after everything I've been through? Most definitely.

When you know, you just know.. and if the other person doesn't know.. why wait? You cannot force someone to feel the same way you do if it's not there. I don't need to preach all of this.. everyone knows it already. Somehow though, so many people still think that the other person will change one day. Newsflash: they won't ever change. If by some miracle they do, it is always too late and will most likely be the wrong timing. Move on.

If there is one thing that I benefitted from everything, is I don't put up with the bs, I don't care and I won't stick around. I have plenty of happiness in the blue eyes of my baby boy and that truly is all I need.

Anxiety

2010-11-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

Being a single mom has definitely brought on plenty of responsibility, hardship, joy, but honestly one of the biggest things: anxiety. For me, it's because of not having my immediate family living nearby to help. Every time Logan even gets the slightest sniffle or cough, I go into panick mode and think of what the heck I'm going to do because I can't afford to miss any more work until next year. But even then, what happens next year? Do I use all of my vacation time for when he gets sick? I hope it doesn't end up being over 7 days. That's almost what I've had to use so far in the last 4-5 months between leaving early or not going into work at all. If there was ever a feeling of helplessness.. I get it every time. I want to care for my son, but I also am his provider and I'm screwed if I don't work. I hate feeling so torn. I hate not having someone beside me. I just want that comfort of knowing I have nothing to worry about. Wait, what is that like?

Day tripper

2010-10-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

I hate coming up with a subject title.

Anyway.. I have noticed something for quite sometime. I have probably been guilty of it too but I know I don't do it nearly as often as I see others do it. In the last 2 weeks I have seen two people (one I know, the other was a complete stranger and I witnessed them today). So, ever see someone stumble and then look behind them like "what the hell was THAT?!" So I of course being the rude bitch that I am.. I laugh out loud to myself every time I see someone do it.

Lazy

2010-10-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

I really hope someone can please explain why I'm inherintly so stinkin' lazy. When I'm at work I think of a laundry list of things I need to do when I get home and about one gets done each day. I don't know what it is about walking through my front door but it's almost instantaneous that the lazy, I'll do it tomorrow mind-set settles in. I don't know why! I have not been like this since.. highschool? I don't know if it has to partially do with the fact that no one is going to complain about dishes sitting in the sink or laundry that needs to get done. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself and if I don't feel like doing something, I obviously don't do it. I really need to get rid of the I don't give a shit attitude though and do get shit done around here. I guess for so many years I felt so completely obligated to be on top of everything and now I make the rules, call the shots. I'm really not that much of a mess but I really need to turn a few things around and start sticking to my afternoon plans..
On another note, I have a 10 page paper due Saturday for this leadership class I'm in. I have known about it for the past 6+ weeks. I took the final for the class last night (thank God) to get it out of the way but you would think I would have at least half of this bad boy done. Nope, just about 3-4 pages of scattered notes that I'll be including. So I technically have 3-4 pages done so I'm doing pretty good.. right? I can put money on it that I will be up forever on Wednesday and even on Friday trying to finish this thing by Saturday. Hell, I may even be working on it Saturday morning (can't Saturday night.. friend of mine is getting MARRIED :))
I just feel like I'm going to be a forever-student and never get my bachelor's degree. It is going to be a long two years. I can't wait to have that complete feeling of accomplishment though. At this point, I wish I hadn't taken off two semesters. Well, at least the first one I took off. I could have at least taken 2 classes but my brain was so fried from taking 5 classes to finish my AA (to not have to take an extra semester for 1 or 2 classes.) Had I done that I would be a whole semester closer to graduating .. BUT, what's another few months though at this point?

Bottom line - I need to get motivated. I just need someone to kick me in the ass every now and then though..

Debt diet

2010-10-05T17:15:00.000-07:00

What is that anyway? According to Oprah it's a plan set up to get out of debt? I'm not sure how diet fits into that ratio though. In the last year + of being on my own and a single parent, I have not doubled, not tripled, more like quadrupled my debt. Depressing? That's an understatement. Do I care? Not every day. Do I break down about it? Yes. Do I have any kind of solution? Not yet. Majority of the debt I am now up to my eye balls in is because of just trying to survive and the cost of living. Yes, I get child support but taking a paycut of roughly $200 a month for a job to get my foot in the door has not exactly helped. I would be doing a whole lot better and most likely be paying things off had I been bringing in the extra cash every month. But, that is a whole other story about going for what I want and making sacrifices (is it always worth it?). It's bad that my goal is to basically be completely out of debt by the time I'm 30 and to own something of my own by that point as well - condo, 2 bedroom house.. 3+ bedroom house.. something! I have five years to go and it's not looking so bright. In order to get there I think I would have to live off ramen noodles, mac n cheese for Logan and tap water for the next few years. It's possible but not at all likely.

It's one of those things that I wish maybe I shouldn't have made that crazy last minute decision to stay in Florida and try things on my own. Do the "right" thing. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, it somehow always.. always ends up being so very wrong and kicks me in the ass. Knocks me even further down when I feel like I can't be knocked down anymore! But, then I look around at what I have, what I have achieved and continue to do and I then kick my own ass for being so negative. Life will never be easy, nor have I ever expected it to be, but every now and then - or even just once or twice in my life I would like something to go smoothly.

Financial aid

2010-10-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would consider such a thing in my life for more than one thing. Through the grapevine over a year ago I heard there was assistance from the state to cover daycare fees. I of course jumped on this because as a single mom with a car to pay off, and plenty of debt piling up just from cost of living, I could use any help possible. Well, I was denied – I make too much money. Amazing because I was and still am just barely getting by. I am again applying for assistance, but now for school. I have had such a run around and am still going in circles with my school about getting approval for financial aid. I’m either going to finish the 8 or 9 classes I have left to obtain a bachelors in business administration, or everything I have worked for to this point is going to mean nothing. I say that but my parents will ultimately end up suffering the bill because they don’t want me to give up, no matter what the circumstances. Please tell me how the government is so quick to hand out shit to so many but here I am, obviously in need of some assistance and I don’t know how much more I can spell it out. I understand there are so many processes in place to try and sift out the ones that abuse the system but I’ll bet 90% of the people that get help are abusing the system one way or another!! Someone please just throw me a bone. Cut me a break. Something.

Hello, not goodbye yet.

2010-10-04T18:45:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I'm about to take a stab at getting back into this. So I'm taking a blog I started over a year ago and continuing on. I obviously deleted a few posts that deemed to be completely unnecessary at this point - I'm still not advanced enough to figure out how to delete them completely.

I'm back to get my thoughts out. I'm not here to have anyone follow, and to be quite honest, I don't want anyone reading my personal thoughts and feelings. If anyone does stumble across this, please be gentle and non-judgemental. Please and thank you!

Change of plan!

2009-07-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

I never ever thought I would be staying in Orlando until yesterday when my brain did a huge flip flop. I guess because I'm getting days away from leaving for TN, I started thinking about how much I really am giving up, and I finally considered the idea of staying here for me (and Logan too, of course), and if I could afford it. I called up my ex and we talked about how a schedule would work out with Logan and last night we discussed all of the financial issues and it definitely will work! I would need to find a two bedroom apartment no higher than $900 a month though. I didn't waste any time; today Logan and I went apartment hunting near where I work since there's a number of places. I unknowingly started high and went low. The first place we saw was absolutely gorgeous and the epitomy of a luxury apartment, and defintely something that I wouldn't be able to afford any time in the near future. The second and third places were alright, something I could deal with. Well, the third place maybe not so much; the moment I walked into the model, the smell of mold and mildew hit me. That's your model?! I couldn't believe it. That was basically a last resort and if I absolutely (no really, absolutely) had to. There was one other place that I drove by.. I knew they were apartments but there was just a bunch of signs for condos. It was one of those places that went condo. Darn. I went online a lot today to read reviews on all of these places (including the condo one). Something made me call the condo place to double check if they weren't leasing anymore. They were! Logan and I ran back out, they only had one two bedroom, two bath left. It's an end unit, brand new updated kitchen, someone owns it but is renting it out for $800. Could it be any more perfect for us?! I took the application, went home and I couldn't help it.. I had to give them a deposit. What if someone showed up in the last two hours the office was open today and snagged it before I could tomorrow? I couldn't live with that, so I filled everything out, got all of the necessary paperwork together and we went back! Poor Logan didn't get an afternoon nap because of all our running around (althought he did take a 2 hour nap this morning). I'm finally getting happy about this rock bottom point in my life. I never thought I would be living on my own.. especially being days away from living with my parents. My mind set as of yesterday has been why not move out now on my own.. it would take me forever to get to this point in Tennessee.
I will see what this next year brings me and if it doesn't work out, then there will always be the option of moving north. My ex and I have worked out a good schedule with our son so things are definitely looking up. As of this coming weekend, Logan and I will be on our own! How unreal is that?!

: )

Living in the slow lane

2009-07-03T17:56:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I came home from the hospital with my little man. I vividly remember sleeping with one eye open the whole night. I was so paranoid something would happen now that he was completely in my care; I didn't have any nurses around to aid his every need. I'm definitely thankful I'm not in all of the pain I was experiencing a year ago. Although, I would go through that over and over again to get the result I came home with.
The past year flew right before my eyes.. I have so many memories with my little guy, but I wish he had been that little blob for just a few months longer. One thing I love about his wild phase right now though is when I hold him, he'll often rest his head on my shoulder.. that's almost better than holding him like a football when he was "tiny" (He was never a small baby). I have definitely slowed down a lot and tried to cherish one day at a time, and I have him to thank for that. My life was always about getting to the next phase and never looking back. Now, I do wish to see what new things will happen tomorrow.. but I'm always looking back on the days I've had with my handsome blue eyes.

2009-07-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

2009-06-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

2009-06-26T05:28:00.001-07:00

All about me, me and me

2009-06-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

Super-mom Kate Gosselin couldn't have worded how I feel any better, "On a good day, I feel relief. On a bad day, I feel failure." I have those days back to back or have those feelings on and off in the same day. I want to get beyond the days of having high hopes because in the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't have any hope at all. At least it's finally out in the open that he isn't in love with me anymore, and hasn't been for awhile. Why do people do that? I say people because women are just as guilty as men. Why put someone you care about through that kind of pain and agony? I met a woman at my parenting education class that was married for twenty three years, and out of the blue her husband told her he just wasn't in love with her anymore. I guess I just don't understand that phrase. I don't understand that after putting everything you have into a relationship and making a vow to be with someone for a lifetime, that so many just give up. What happened to the "olden days" where couples stuck together literally through thick and thin and for better or worse. Too many give up because it's the easy way out. The consequences don't matter and many think the lives of the others involved won't be affected. Again, I don't understand where so many acquire this emotionless way of thinking. I don't think all of my misunderstandings come from being young. I just want to know why society has shifted so much into being selfish instead of selfless.

Media distractions

2009-06-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

Logan is currently taking his afternoon nap and I should be packing, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to turn on an adult show for a change. Being a woman, I obviously turned on Oprah since he went down at 4:00. The topic today is about single fathers sharing their stories of fatherhood. I was already really emotional today about my divorce situation, but this put me over the edge. All of these fathers lost their wives to death. They never actually wanted to be a single father, or were put in their situation because their wives didn't want to be with them. I couldn't help but think of myself/my situation. She stated a quote from someone who had been on a previous show that was along the lines of: "Every father carries a dream in his heart for his family." What kind of dream is this? I feel like I'm lost in a nightmare.

"Here I go again on my own.. "

2009-06-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

Here I go with my first official blog. I figured since I am literally going to be starting over, I may as well keep a record of my life. I'm about to become something I never thought in my wildest dreams: a single mommy. It's happening not because it's something I necessarily want, but rather because I had no other choice than to go along with becoming a divorce statistic. I'm not going to go into details because I already have a hundred times, and probably will talk about it just as many times over the next month with the people around me. I have had countless Elizabeth Gilbert moments on my bathroom floor, but now it's time to really begin the healing process.

Soon I will be moving to a small town just outside of Knoxville, Logan and I will be living with my parents and will be completely starting over. I will have to find a job, start class at yet another college (I’m on number three now), and hopefully save enough money to get my own place within two years (or less!). The only time I ever thought I would be living with my parents again would be years from now, one of them would unfortunately be gone, and the other would have to move in with me to be cared after. The plus side of my current situation is they will be able to enjoy every upcoming milestone of Logan’s right with me instead of being separated by 600 miles.

Being a mommy has it’s trying times and I know there’s many more to come, but the road ahead is going to be that much harder without Logan’s daddy by my side. Not that I was immature, but becoming a mommy has matured me beyond my years, however I never thought I would be walking the parenting road by myself. If you’re up to it, come along on this journey with me… through the tears, the pain, the heartache, but also the laughter, learning, joy and most importantly, the love.