One day at a time

I really do need to follow that saying. I can't keep letting everything get to me and bring me down. Enough is enough and I need to be happy. I need to learn to let things happen as they will, and try not to interfere or make sure things happen a certain way.. because a whole lot is truly not in my control. I just want the wedding to happen without any problems, and I want this house to be done already. Oh and I just want my online classes to be a breeze.

Woosah.

Placement

I'm in such a better place than days, weeks, and months prior. Things will come and happen as they should and I need to step back more. Of course I'm still going to get frustrated but I need to focus on everything else around me. Four months from today.. from the moment I'm writing this, I will be married to Jeff. It's so surreal. I never thought I would be this completely lucky, this completely happy, this complete and this much in love. I can, but also can't wait to live with him! I obviously have never done the "right" thing so living together has been a long time coming. I mean, my God.. by this summer we'll have been together for three years. I can't believe THAT. They have FLOWN by. We have had such great times together, made the most amazing memories, and we're only just getting started. There's something kind of weird though.. like, I feel like we still don't fully know eachother.. which, we don't.. because we haven't lived together. I know that will change everything, but I honestly am so excited and I think it will be such a good changed for us. I feel like these next few months are going to take f o r e v e r to go by. .but, I'm such once May arrives, I will be amazing at how fast it all went by. I'm just ready to start this next, wonderful chapter of my life. I'm going to be selfish and say that I 100% deserve it all. This is the life I've wanted. This is the relationship I've always dreamed of. The marriage I've always wanted. I have a job that I love and am overly content with, and cannot wait to continue to climb the ladder where I'm at. I'm so close, so so close to finishing my Bachelor's degree. We're building a dream house. I couldn't be luckier. I couldn't be more blessed.

Life IS good. God IS good.

Anger

I carry it around every day. There's just an anger and hatred that's just there. Lingering. All the time. I don't know how to get rid of it. Most days are good, so it's not like I'm this awfully miserable person. I don't show it that often, as I think I'm just numb to the feeling being there .. but also because "lashing out" doesn't get one anywhere anyway. I know what caused it. The years of what I'd like to say were just complete emotional abuse. It would be easier if I could just close that door. God obviously wanted me to have Logan, but with that comes leaving that 'door' open with his father. The door which I want closed, locked, bolted, and nailed shut forever. There are no actual feelings there (that's a big fucking obvious) .. well, none other than just hate. And I'm honestly overly annoyed anytime I'm forced to be in his presence or have to even speak to him. He is a waste of space and a waste of life. I know these are terrible things to say, but there were so many moments years ago that I wish someone truly was watching every single minute of every day so that SOMEONE was witnessing everything. I wish that someone was here to talk with me about it all, to comfort me.. to get me to just drop it, forget it and just carry on as if nothing happened. How do you explain complete and utter lonliness to someone? Disrespect? Cheating? Lies? to your face. Betrayal? Did I say complete lack of respect or care for a woman? Yeah.

What's that phrase.. if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it? Or something like that.. I'm sure still being carried and dragged through it will eventually get me where I should be at this point. I just wish the person by my side was actually by my side.