I carry it around every day. There's just an anger and hatred that's just there. Lingering. All the time. I don't know how to get rid of it. Most days are good, so it's not like I'm this awfully miserable person. I don't show it that often, as I think I'm just numb to the feeling being there .. but also because "lashing out" doesn't get one anywhere anyway. I know what caused it. The years of what I'd like to say were just complete emotional abuse. It would be easier if I could just close that door. God obviously wanted me to have Logan, but with that comes leaving that 'door' open with his father. The door which I want closed, locked, bolted, and nailed shut forever. There are no actual feelings there (that's a big fucking obvious) .. well, none other than just hate. And I'm honestly overly annoyed anytime I'm forced to be in his presence or have to even speak to him. He is a waste of space and a waste of life. I know these are terrible things to say, but there were so many moments years ago that I wish someone truly was watching every single minute of every day so that SOMEONE was witnessing everything. I wish that someone was here to talk with me about it all, to comfort me.. to get me to just drop it, forget it and just carry on as if nothing happened. How do you explain complete and utter lonliness to someone? Disrespect? Cheating? Lies? to your face. Betrayal? Did I say complete lack of respect or care for a woman? Yeah.
What's that phrase.. if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it? Or something like that.. I'm sure still being carried and dragged through it will eventually get me where I should be at this point. I just wish the person by my side was actually by my side.
