Fight till the end

I need to vent somewhere, and if I take it out on Jeff, it's going to be really ugly. Lets just say that yesterday was a complete disaster all the way through the day. We didn't head out to breakfast until 10:00 am and choosing a place was a stupid fight because I hate one place, and every other good hole in the wall place here in Lakeland gets over-crowded by that time. So, we went to the place I hate and he loves. No big deal. It still caused issues. Then, he had the nerve to try talking to me about making a business plan for my next interview so that it will help set me apart from the other interviewers.. really?! A business plan?! Because last time I checked, his BROTHER WROTE HIS BUSINESS PLAN FOR HIM! I couldn't throw that up in his face though. I know he meant well with the other things he was telling me, but it was just more proof how much he doesn't know me.
Then, last night we had tickets to Mardis Gras and VIP tickets to Goo Goo Dolls there. The whole "event" for the night started at like 5:30. Well, going into this we knew it was impossible because Jeff's parents were at the ball park until 6:00. Well, they didn't meet us just after 6:00 at their house, they met us at like 7:10. We were waiting for a good hour, which caused more tension between us. So, we're on our way to Orlando .. the concert starts at 8:30 so we would most likely just make it. We started arguing about over if we should go and why it's not worth it. I had to throw up in his face that he always makes us leave early at ANY event we go to, so why would we do almost two hours of driving in one night to stay for maybe an hour?? He ended up turning around (we were maybe 7-10 minutes away from Lakeland) and we went to Winghouse since the Duke/NC game was on. What a great place to go to not be able to talk. No joke we maybe said 10-15 words to eachother in the hour and 1/2 + that we were there. We've barely talked since and he hasn't responded to my one text from last night or the one I sent this morning. I'm over not feeling like I'm worth it or worth fighting for and I have no plans of seeing him any time soon.

Lent

I'm on day two of giving up Facebook for 40 days and 40 nights. It honestly has been really hard, and I will confess that I glanced on it for literally 1-2 minutes last night. No more! While it is literally a lifestyle change, I think it will ultimately be a very good one. I can't believe how much more time I have for other things already. Time that I was wasting on my computer, or time that I was sitting, scrolling through on my phone. WHO really cares what is going on in people's lives that you never see, nor talk to anymore?! It really is a freeing feeling to not be connected to it. I didn't delete my profile, I just posted a message Tuesday night that I won't be on until Lent is over. Guess what? Only two people gave a shit. Two. If that's not a sign to get rid of the Book than I don't know what is! I plan on saving all of my pictures from it, deleting them off Facebook, and adding a lot more security settings so I'll be "on" Facebook but not active on it, if that makes sense. I'm kind of over it, and I've already been realizing how useless it really is to society.

On to other, more important things! The wedding is coming FAST! Less than 80 days! I still have minor things to get/do, but nothing I can't handle. Most importantly I need to finish printing the invitations this weekend and send those babies out the first or second week of March! Onto the stressful part: our house hasn't started yet. The good news is that it should be starting next week. We met with Southern last week, and they said within two weeks, and that this week would be unlikely. Well, it sure is because tomorrow is Friday and we haven't heard anything yet. I was thinking yesterday or today (my memory is shot) about living with Jeff and I was actually a little overwhelmed. We've been together almost three years and we're still living separate. I moved in with Logan's dad after about SIX MONTHS. I would never, ever do that again, but three years has also been quite a long amount of time to not be living together. I'm glad I'm doing this "right" this time, and I'm beyond lucky and blessed to even be going through this process again.

I'm sure I will be keeping up with this blog more often since I'm not using Facebook! I should have just done away with technology all together! The damn things in life we need...

One day at a time

I really do need to follow that saying. I can't keep letting everything get to me and bring me down. Enough is enough and I need to be happy. I need to learn to let things happen as they will, and try not to interfere or make sure things happen a certain way.. because a whole lot is truly not in my control. I just want the wedding to happen without any problems, and I want this house to be done already. Oh and I just want my online classes to be a breeze.

Woosah.

Placement

I'm in such a better place than days, weeks, and months prior. Things will come and happen as they should and I need to step back more. Of course I'm still going to get frustrated but I need to focus on everything else around me. Four months from today.. from the moment I'm writing this, I will be married to Jeff. It's so surreal. I never thought I would be this completely lucky, this completely happy, this complete and this much in love. I can, but also can't wait to live with him! I obviously have never done the "right" thing so living together has been a long time coming. I mean, my God.. by this summer we'll have been together for three years. I can't believe THAT. They have FLOWN by. We have had such great times together, made the most amazing memories, and we're only just getting started. There's something kind of weird though.. like, I feel like we still don't fully know eachother.. which, we don't.. because we haven't lived together. I know that will change everything, but I honestly am so excited and I think it will be such a good changed for us. I feel like these next few months are going to take f o r e v e r to go by. .but, I'm such once May arrives, I will be amazing at how fast it all went by. I'm just ready to start this next, wonderful chapter of my life. I'm going to be selfish and say that I 100% deserve it all. This is the life I've wanted. This is the relationship I've always dreamed of. The marriage I've always wanted. I have a job that I love and am overly content with, and cannot wait to continue to climb the ladder where I'm at. I'm so close, so so close to finishing my Bachelor's degree. We're building a dream house. I couldn't be luckier. I couldn't be more blessed.

Life IS good. God IS good.

Anger

I carry it around every day. There's just an anger and hatred that's just there. Lingering. All the time. I don't know how to get rid of it. Most days are good, so it's not like I'm this awfully miserable person. I don't show it that often, as I think I'm just numb to the feeling being there .. but also because "lashing out" doesn't get one anywhere anyway. I know what caused it. The years of what I'd like to say were just complete emotional abuse. It would be easier if I could just close that door. God obviously wanted me to have Logan, but with that comes leaving that 'door' open with his father. The door which I want closed, locked, bolted, and nailed shut forever. There are no actual feelings there (that's a big fucking obvious) .. well, none other than just hate. And I'm honestly overly annoyed anytime I'm forced to be in his presence or have to even speak to him. He is a waste of space and a waste of life. I know these are terrible things to say, but there were so many moments years ago that I wish someone truly was watching every single minute of every day so that SOMEONE was witnessing everything. I wish that someone was here to talk with me about it all, to comfort me.. to get me to just drop it, forget it and just carry on as if nothing happened. How do you explain complete and utter lonliness to someone? Disrespect? Cheating? Lies? to your face. Betrayal? Did I say complete lack of respect or care for a woman? Yeah.

What's that phrase.. if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it? Or something like that.. I'm sure still being carried and dragged through it will eventually get me where I should be at this point. I just wish the person by my side was actually by my side.