No phone

We had such a great time last week. A little bit of a bump one night but .. I was over it quickly. The person I used to be would have blown up. I instead did what I have been doing for the last few years: staying quiet and to myself. That's not exactly the best way to handle something either, but it's better than angry words flying everywhere and things getting more heated than necessary. I just want someone to be there. Why the f is that so hard?? I don't want someone around 24/7 like a certain someone thinks .. but there isn't even a simple text in the morning anymore. There hasn't been one of those in a long time. Funny how little things like that without fail, always fade. And of course if there's no call or text in the morning, there definitely isn't anything throughout the day.

I watched a movie last night (well, started and then finished today when I got home from work). No Strings Attached. Natalie Portman's character throughout most of the movie is basically where I'm headed: not caring and shutting everyone out. Going about life day to day, but not getting too attached to anyone because.. why bother? You always get hurt anyway so what is the point?

So, relating to the title I put up for this entry.. I turned my phone off tonight almost 2 hours ago (it's almost 8:00 now). I already spoke with my parents, so it's not like anyone else would be expecting me to have my phone on. I texted my "sweetie" more than once today and I rave about us to so many people.. yet, here I am, alone as per usual.. haven't heard from him since one stupid text this morning in response to mine. We don't need to talk tonight. I have my Logan, and that by far is more than enough for me. I'm just tired of having the relationship status and wanting it to work and everything just staying the same. While Logan's dad has seen him less and less in the last year+ .. I have also started to see someone else less and less.. and it has nothing whatsoever to do with me having Logan more. I truly feel like just telling him some days to just leave me alone .. for a week .. a month .. few months! What difference is it going to make? He's already told me nothing can happen with us this year .. so again, everything just stays the same. I'm doing my own thing. I just got a minor promotion at work.. I'm proud to be living on my own - it might be a shit hole but at least I'm doing my own thing, and I'm raising my baby alone, and he's soo stinkin' smart. Also, how could I forget .. I'm 7 courses away from finally having my Bachelor's degree.

I'm doing fine. Alone.

Again

Another night alone.

Another day where I thought we would have time. Another night where things fall behind and you'll be late. Another night where I end up saying forget it because it's not worth it. Another night where I don't bother saying that it's not worth it to me. Been there and done that, and don't need to keep repeating it. Another night where I kind of just want this to be over.

Another night, another excuse, another disappointment.

Go to hell.

You really are a piece of shit and a waste of space. You don't deserve the title of daddy or father. I cringe at the thought of my sweet baby boy calling you that. You are not a father to Logan. You don't set positive examples. You don't teach him anything. You don't make any time. You don't go above and beyond or out of your way. You don't even know who he really is. The only thing you DO know how to make is excuse, after excuse, after excuse. You're also pretty good at scolding Logan for no good reason.. when you actually do make time to include him in your schedule. How did I end up with such a person? How did Logan end up with such a person for a father? Out of the five year mistake of a relationship that I was in with you, Logan is the only positive. The only thing that ever filled my heart and soul with love. The only person that loved me unconditionally. And unfortunately, he is the only reason you are still in my life. I hate myself for not stepping away when I should have. It was so obvious how little you gave a shit about me when I was pregnant with our son. I was stupid enough to have hope. Hope for what? That you wouldn't have cheated on me. twice. Hope that you would have appreciated the things I would do for you, even if it was just every now and then. Hope that I would have a normal life. Fuck all of that. You don't deserve the title of a man either. A man would have said it was over with and why rather than hide so much behind his fiance's back. A man would have stepped up and been there for his pregnant, future wife. A man would have chosen to step away from his pregnant fiance as well if it wasn't working. A man would not have gone through with getting married and treat a woman like a fool. A man would not treat me or any woman like you did. I have always been taught that what goes around comes around. I don't always see that occur with people, but I've seen enough where I still have my beliefs. You have yet to "get yours" but I still stand by what I once told you.. I hope I find a man that I can spend the rest of my life with, and a man that Logan will call 'daddy' - you though are too much of a moron to realize that Logan would call someone else 'daddy' because you're not there for him. It's only naturally bound to happen.

1 year.. gone

A year goes by and it's amazing all of the things that can happen in that short span of time.. -I'm far more into debt than I was this time last year. -I have a job I'm so much happier at though. -I'm out of shitty Orlando. -I'm stuck living in a place in the middle of nowhere with a ton of trains that go by throughout the night. Can't beat the rent though, and it is a cute place. -I have much more time with my son. -I'm not doing that long ass commute anymore. -Logan's dad barely makes an effort and at this very point in time, his "schedule" with him is the least amount of time that it has ever been. With each change in his work schedule, his time with Logan becomes less and less. -The above statement is also a good thing though. Logan is better off with me more. -I have a man in my life I'm so in love with. -I just wish he'd want to move things along after almost 2 years... : ) -I'm closer to graduating with my BA in business admin! -Did I mention I'm drowning in debt? Anyway. I do have a lot more positives than negatives in my life after a year. However, the negatives are so big that they sometimes out-weigh the positives. It's still very hard to not have my family around. It would also be nice to just have a constant person here that could help me out with Logan every now and then. I'm too stubborn to ask other people (that have offered!). I must say that I feel more at home in Lakeland than I did the last year I lived in Orlando. Even though when I moved into than apartment, I had zero clue that a year later I'd be moving to Lakeland.. I still knew that apartment was just a stepping stone to wherever life was going to take me.

I'm still here

I haven't gone anywhere yet. .I just stink at this whole blogging thing. I could write all of my thoughts daily, I just don't ever take the time to do so. I have so much running through my head on a daily basis, things that I don't want to even put on here. No one knows that I'm even blogging but I just don't want a lot of my thoughts in stone. I'd end up going back and deleting a lot of it. I'm not exactly still walking on sunshine. I'm definitely not in the dark place I was years ago but every day is a work in progress and every day is a stepping stone.

Other than having Logan, I still feel so alone, every day. I feel like I'm settling again and I don't want to. I want someone that wants me in their life. That will call just to say hello. That is spontaneous. That doesn't treat me as a convenience.

I'm done. I can't do this right now. Maybe continue in 6 months? Less hopefully.