Depression

I think this is over-used and over-diagnosed. Suck it up and put on your big girl or big boy panties. I cry all of the time. And just about as much I'm down in the dumps about things in my life but at the end of the day .. how much of what makes you unhappy do you have control over? Not much. I'm sure with how my life has gone I could have been put on some kind of anti-depressants long ago but why? What is that going to do for me? It's not going to change anything that has happened. They are not going to kiss my thoughts and make them better. They are not going to wrap me in a huge hug and say everything will be ok. Most days are a struggle. I battle with myself every day on the choices I have made and continue to make. I have always been super stubborn when doing things - always wanting to do things on my own and look where it has gotten me.

I just want my life back. I want each day to be a little more meaningful. And I want each step to be a little easier.

Oh Facebook world

Why does your Facebook relationship status cause such a definition of you and your significant other? I mean, someone should proudly show they're in a relationship right? And God forbid you put that person's name on your page, UNDER the relationship status. Why does it have to be something so private? I don't have anything to hide, and I never will. If the relationship was never anything serious, at least express that.

Grow up.

Shit or get off the pot

I love that line, and I don't think I could ever get tired of it.

I think this is something a lot of people deal with when in a relationship and I also think a whole lot more women than men feel like telling their significant other that is how they feel about their situation. Lets dive in or just say goodbye. Simple as that. Call me a hopeless romantic but why do so many people wait year after year.. after year, and sometimes everything ends and then all of that time is essentially wasted (depending on how you look at it, and depending upon how things went - still in my opinion: time wasted). If you're in love with someone and are happy, comfortable and still over the moon about them (which you should be if you love them), what are you waiting for? There is no such thing as forever. We will not be here forever so what is the wait for? If anyone knows how quickly time flies, I sure do. I can look in the room next to mine and see that my baby boy is going on 28 months. A quick side note, it saddens me that it's almost pointless to use months at this point because it's over the 1 year mark.. and the 2 year mark.
Anyway, back to the relationship/marriage topic at hand. It's so tough because divorce rates are so high because our society sucks at trying. It sucks at communicating. And a great majority suck at being faithful. Have I been burned? Oh yeah. Do I still want my forever with someone after everything I've been through? Most definitely.

When you know, you just know.. and if the other person doesn't know.. why wait? You cannot force someone to feel the same way you do if it's not there. I don't need to preach all of this.. everyone knows it already. Somehow though, so many people still think that the other person will change one day. Newsflash: they won't ever change. If by some miracle they do, it is always too late and will most likely be the wrong timing. Move on.

If there is one thing that I benefitted from everything, is I don't put up with the bs, I don't care and I won't stick around. I have plenty of happiness in the blue eyes of my baby boy and that truly is all I need.

Anxiety

Being a single mom has definitely brought on plenty of responsibility, hardship, joy, but honestly one of the biggest things: anxiety. For me, it's because of not having my immediate family living nearby to help. Every time Logan even gets the slightest sniffle or cough, I go into panick mode and think of what the heck I'm going to do because I can't afford to miss any more work until next year. But even then, what happens next year? Do I use all of my vacation time for when he gets sick? I hope it doesn't end up being over 7 days. That's almost what I've had to use so far in the last 4-5 months between leaving early or not going into work at all. If there was ever a feeling of helplessness.. I get it every time. I want to care for my son, but I also am his provider and I'm screwed if I don't work. I hate feeling so torn. I hate not having someone beside me. I just want that comfort of knowing I have nothing to worry about. Wait, what is that like?

Day tripper

I hate coming up with a subject title.

Anyway.. I have noticed something for quite sometime. I have probably been guilty of it too but I know I don't do it nearly as often as I see others do it. In the last 2 weeks I have seen two people (one I know, the other was a complete stranger and I witnessed them today). So, ever see someone stumble and then look behind them like "what the hell was THAT?!" So I of course being the rude bitch that I am.. I laugh out loud to myself every time I see someone do it.

Lazy

I really hope someone can please explain why I'm inherintly so stinkin' lazy. When I'm at work I think of a laundry list of things I need to do when I get home and about one gets done each day. I don't know what it is about walking through my front door but it's almost instantaneous that the lazy, I'll do it tomorrow mind-set settles in. I don't know why! I have not been like this since.. highschool? I don't know if it has to partially do with the fact that no one is going to complain about dishes sitting in the sink or laundry that needs to get done. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself and if I don't feel like doing something, I obviously don't do it. I really need to get rid of the I don't give a shit attitude though and do get shit done around here. I guess for so many years I felt so completely obligated to be on top of everything and now I make the rules, call the shots. I'm really not that much of a mess but I really need to turn a few things around and start sticking to my afternoon plans..
On another note, I have a 10 page paper due Saturday for this leadership class I'm in. I have known about it for the past 6+ weeks. I took the final for the class last night (thank God) to get it out of the way but you would think I would have at least half of this bad boy done. Nope, just about 3-4 pages of scattered notes that I'll be including. So I technically have 3-4 pages done so I'm doing pretty good.. right? I can put money on it that I will be up forever on Wednesday and even on Friday trying to finish this thing by Saturday. Hell, I may even be working on it Saturday morning (can't Saturday night.. friend of mine is getting MARRIED :))
I just feel like I'm going to be a forever-student and never get my bachelor's degree. It is going to be a long two years. I can't wait to have that complete feeling of accomplishment though. At this point, I wish I hadn't taken off two semesters. Well, at least the first one I took off. I could have at least taken 2 classes but my brain was so fried from taking 5 classes to finish my AA (to not have to take an extra semester for 1 or 2 classes.) Had I done that I would be a whole semester closer to graduating .. BUT, what's another few months though at this point?

Bottom line - I need to get motivated. I just need someone to kick me in the ass every now and then though..

Debt diet

What is that anyway? According to Oprah it's a plan set up to get out of debt? I'm not sure how diet fits into that ratio though. In the last year + of being on my own and a single parent, I have not doubled, not tripled, more like quadrupled my debt. Depressing? That's an understatement. Do I care? Not every day. Do I break down about it? Yes. Do I have any kind of solution? Not yet. Majority of the debt I am now up to my eye balls in is because of just trying to survive and the cost of living. Yes, I get child support but taking a paycut of roughly $200 a month for a job to get my foot in the door has not exactly helped. I would be doing a whole lot better and most likely be paying things off had I been bringing in the extra cash every month. But, that is a whole other story about going for what I want and making sacrifices (is it always worth it?). It's bad that my goal is to basically be completely out of debt by the time I'm 30 and to own something of my own by that point as well - condo, 2 bedroom house.. 3+ bedroom house.. something! I have five years to go and it's not looking so bright. In order to get there I think I would have to live off ramen noodles, mac n cheese for Logan and tap water for the next few years. It's possible but not at all likely.

It's one of those things that I wish maybe I shouldn't have made that crazy last minute decision to stay in Florida and try things on my own. Do the "right" thing. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, it somehow always.. always ends up being so very wrong and kicks me in the ass. Knocks me even further down when I feel like I can't be knocked down anymore! But, then I look around at what I have, what I have achieved and continue to do and I then kick my own ass for being so negative. Life will never be easy, nor have I ever expected it to be, but every now and then - or even just once or twice in my life I would like something to go smoothly.

Financial aid

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would consider such a thing in my life for more than one thing. Through the grapevine over a year ago I heard there was assistance from the state to cover daycare fees. I of course jumped on this because as a single mom with a car to pay off, and plenty of debt piling up just from cost of living, I could use any help possible. Well, I was denied – I make too much money. Amazing because I was and still am just barely getting by. I am again applying for assistance, but now for school. I have had such a run around and am still going in circles with my school about getting approval for financial aid. I’m either going to finish the 8 or 9 classes I have left to obtain a bachelors in business administration, or everything I have worked for to this point is going to mean nothing. I say that but my parents will ultimately end up suffering the bill because they don’t want me to give up, no matter what the circumstances. Please tell me how the government is so quick to hand out shit to so many but here I am, obviously in need of some assistance and I don’t know how much more I can spell it out. I understand there are so many processes in place to try and sift out the ones that abuse the system but I’ll bet 90% of the people that get help are abusing the system one way or another!! Someone please just throw me a bone. Cut me a break. Something.

Hello, not goodbye yet.

I can't believe I'm about to take a stab at getting back into this. So I'm taking a blog I started over a year ago and continuing on. I obviously deleted a few posts that deemed to be completely unnecessary at this point - I'm still not advanced enough to figure out how to delete them completely.

I'm back to get my thoughts out. I'm not here to have anyone follow, and to be quite honest, I don't want anyone reading my personal thoughts and feelings. If anyone does stumble across this, please be gentle and non-judgemental. Please and thank you!