All about me, me and me

Super-mom Kate Gosselin couldn't have worded how I feel any better, "On a good day, I feel relief. On a bad day, I feel failure." I have those days back to back or have those feelings on and off in the same day. I want to get beyond the days of having high hopes because in the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't have any hope at all. At least it's finally out in the open that he isn't in love with me anymore, and hasn't been for awhile. Why do people do that? I say people because women are just as guilty as men. Why put someone you care about through that kind of pain and agony? I met a woman at my parenting education class that was married for twenty three years, and out of the blue her husband told her he just wasn't in love with her anymore. I guess I just don't understand that phrase. I don't understand that after putting everything you have into a relationship and making a vow to be with someone for a lifetime, that so many just give up. What happened to the "olden days" where couples stuck together literally through thick and thin and for better or worse. Too many give up because it's the easy way out. The consequences don't matter and many think the lives of the others involved won't be affected. Again, I don't understand where so many acquire this emotionless way of thinking. I don't think all of my misunderstandings come from being young. I just want to know why society has shifted so much into being selfish instead of selfless.

Media distractions

Logan is currently taking his afternoon nap and I should be packing, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to turn on an adult show for a change. Being a woman, I obviously turned on Oprah since he went down at 4:00. The topic today is about single fathers sharing their stories of fatherhood. I was already really emotional today about my divorce situation, but this put me over the edge. All of these fathers lost their wives to death. They never actually wanted to be a single father, or were put in their situation because their wives didn't want to be with them. I couldn't help but think of myself/my situation. She stated a quote from someone who had been on a previous show that was along the lines of: "Every father carries a dream in his heart for his family." What kind of dream is this? I feel like I'm lost in a nightmare.

"Here I go again on my own.. "

Here I go with my first official blog. I figured since I am literally going to be starting over, I may as well keep a record of my life. I'm about to become something I never thought in my wildest dreams: a single mommy. It's happening not because it's something I necessarily want, but rather because I had no other choice than to go along with becoming a divorce statistic. I'm not going to go into details because I already have a hundred times, and probably will talk about it just as many times over the next month with the people around me. I have had countless Elizabeth Gilbert moments on my bathroom floor, but now it's time to really begin the healing process.

Soon I will be moving to a small town just outside of Knoxville, Logan and I will be living with my parents and will be completely starting over. I will have to find a job, start class at yet another college (I’m on number three now), and hopefully save enough money to get my own place within two years (or less!). The only time I ever thought I would be living with my parents again would be years from now, one of them would unfortunately be gone, and the other would have to move in with me to be cared after. The plus side of my current situation is they will be able to enjoy every upcoming milestone of Logan’s right with me instead of being separated by 600 miles.

Being a mommy has it’s trying times and I know there’s many more to come, but the road ahead is going to be that much harder without Logan’s daddy by my side. Not that I was immature, but becoming a mommy has matured me beyond my years, however I never thought I would be walking the parenting road by myself. If you’re up to it, come along on this journey with me… through the tears, the pain, the heartache, but also the laughter, learning, joy and most importantly, the love.