Change of plan!

I never ever thought I would be staying in Orlando until yesterday when my brain did a huge flip flop. I guess because I'm getting days away from leaving for TN, I started thinking about how much I really am giving up, and I finally considered the idea of staying here for me (and Logan too, of course), and if I could afford it. I called up my ex and we talked about how a schedule would work out with Logan and last night we discussed all of the financial issues and it definitely will work! I would need to find a two bedroom apartment no higher than $900 a month though. I didn't waste any time; today Logan and I went apartment hunting near where I work since there's a number of places. I unknowingly started high and went low. The first place we saw was absolutely gorgeous and the epitomy of a luxury apartment, and defintely something that I wouldn't be able to afford any time in the near future. The second and third places were alright, something I could deal with. Well, the third place maybe not so much; the moment I walked into the model, the smell of mold and mildew hit me. That's your model?! I couldn't believe it. That was basically a last resort and if I absolutely (no really, absolutely) had to. There was one other place that I drove by.. I knew they were apartments but there was just a bunch of signs for condos. It was one of those places that went condo. Darn. I went online a lot today to read reviews on all of these places (including the condo one). Something made me call the condo place to double check if they weren't leasing anymore. They were! Logan and I ran back out, they only had one two bedroom, two bath left. It's an end unit, brand new updated kitchen, someone owns it but is renting it out for $800. Could it be any more perfect for us?! I took the application, went home and I couldn't help it.. I had to give them a deposit. What if someone showed up in the last two hours the office was open today and snagged it before I could tomorrow? I couldn't live with that, so I filled everything out, got all of the necessary paperwork together and we went back! Poor Logan didn't get an afternoon nap because of all our running around (althought he did take a 2 hour nap this morning). I'm finally getting happy about this rock bottom point in my life. I never thought I would be living on my own.. especially being days away from living with my parents. My mind set as of yesterday has been why not move out now on my own.. it would take me forever to get to this point in Tennessee.
I will see what this next year brings me and if it doesn't work out, then there will always be the option of moving north. My ex and I have worked out a good schedule with our son so things are definitely looking up. As of this coming weekend, Logan and I will be on our own! How unreal is that?!

: )

Living in the slow lane

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I came home from the hospital with my little man. I vividly remember sleeping with one eye open the whole night. I was so paranoid something would happen now that he was completely in my care; I didn't have any nurses around to aid his every need. I'm definitely thankful I'm not in all of the pain I was experiencing a year ago. Although, I would go through that over and over again to get the result I came home with.
The past year flew right before my eyes.. I have so many memories with my little guy, but I wish he had been that little blob for just a few months longer. One thing I love about his wild phase right now though is when I hold him, he'll often rest his head on my shoulder.. that's almost better than holding him like a football when he was "tiny" (He was never a small baby). I have definitely slowed down a lot and tried to cherish one day at a time, and I have him to thank for that. My life was always about getting to the next phase and never looking back. Now, I do wish to see what new things will happen tomorrow.. but I'm always looking back on the days I've had with my handsome blue eyes.

All about me, me and me

Super-mom Kate Gosselin couldn't have worded how I feel any better, "On a good day, I feel relief. On a bad day, I feel failure." I have those days back to back or have those feelings on and off in the same day. I want to get beyond the days of having high hopes because in the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't have any hope at all. At least it's finally out in the open that he isn't in love with me anymore, and hasn't been for awhile. Why do people do that? I say people because women are just as guilty as men. Why put someone you care about through that kind of pain and agony? I met a woman at my parenting education class that was married for twenty three years, and out of the blue her husband told her he just wasn't in love with her anymore. I guess I just don't understand that phrase. I don't understand that after putting everything you have into a relationship and making a vow to be with someone for a lifetime, that so many just give up. What happened to the "olden days" where couples stuck together literally through thick and thin and for better or worse. Too many give up because it's the easy way out. The consequences don't matter and many think the lives of the others involved won't be affected. Again, I don't understand where so many acquire this emotionless way of thinking. I don't think all of my misunderstandings come from being young. I just want to know why society has shifted so much into being selfish instead of selfless.

Media distractions

Logan is currently taking his afternoon nap and I should be packing, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to turn on an adult show for a change. Being a woman, I obviously turned on Oprah since he went down at 4:00. The topic today is about single fathers sharing their stories of fatherhood. I was already really emotional today about my divorce situation, but this put me over the edge. All of these fathers lost their wives to death. They never actually wanted to be a single father, or were put in their situation because their wives didn't want to be with them. I couldn't help but think of myself/my situation. She stated a quote from someone who had been on a previous show that was along the lines of: "Every father carries a dream in his heart for his family." What kind of dream is this? I feel like I'm lost in a nightmare.

"Here I go again on my own.. "

Here I go with my first official blog. I figured since I am literally going to be starting over, I may as well keep a record of my life. I'm about to become something I never thought in my wildest dreams: a single mommy. It's happening not because it's something I necessarily want, but rather because I had no other choice than to go along with becoming a divorce statistic. I'm not going to go into details because I already have a hundred times, and probably will talk about it just as many times over the next month with the people around me. I have had countless Elizabeth Gilbert moments on my bathroom floor, but now it's time to really begin the healing process.

Soon I will be moving to a small town just outside of Knoxville, Logan and I will be living with my parents and will be completely starting over. I will have to find a job, start class at yet another college (I’m on number three now), and hopefully save enough money to get my own place within two years (or less!). The only time I ever thought I would be living with my parents again would be years from now, one of them would unfortunately be gone, and the other would have to move in with me to be cared after. The plus side of my current situation is they will be able to enjoy every upcoming milestone of Logan’s right with me instead of being separated by 600 miles.

Being a mommy has it’s trying times and I know there’s many more to come, but the road ahead is going to be that much harder without Logan’s daddy by my side. Not that I was immature, but becoming a mommy has matured me beyond my years, however I never thought I would be walking the parenting road by myself. If you’re up to it, come along on this journey with me… through the tears, the pain, the heartache, but also the laughter, learning, joy and most importantly, the love.